Holy Mackerel.  Just kidding, it's salmon.  
This is great on crackers, without crackers, on the moon, or with some cream cheese on some crackers.I HAVE to thank my practical father in-law for the basis of this creation. I stared at his jerky recipe slack-jawed for around 10 minutes.  
Prep: 10 minutes            Cook Time:  3 Hours            Total Time:  A little over 4 hrs.   

Difficulty:  Novice           Calories:   Shut up                  DEHYDRATOR MANDATORY  

Makes 4 Fillets of fish glory 

  • Bag of frozen salmon (classy)
  • 1 cup of soy sauce
  • 1 tbsp coarse ground pepper
  • 6 cloves minced garlic
  • 2 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
  • 1 tbsp lemon pepper
  • 2 tbsp brown sugar
  • 3 tbsp liquid smoke

 1.   Defrost salmon overnight in the fridge. UNLESS you're fancy and you are using fresh salmon. 

 2.  Combine all of the ingredients inside of a gallon bag. 

 3.  Marinade it in the fridge for 1-2 hours. (not more than 2 because the fish will fall apart.) 

4.  Throw them in the dehydrator for 4 hours at 145 degrees. It's done when it will have a harder exterior and still have a little bit of moisture on the inside. If you leave it in the dehydrator for longer you will end up with salmon jerky. Which is also delicious. 

5.  EAT!
          If you're a minor, and you try this shit like I did when I WAS a small child... look out. You will be "hey mister"-ing every creepy dude that leaves the liquor store. You will tell him, " It's not to drink! I SWEAR! I just beer want to make delectable soup!"

 Yeah... ok kid.

         This one can be a little tough, there's a few things that can go wrong. I will try to be as descriptive and helpful as possible. If you complete this quest correctly you will end up with something really spectacular. It will make you 010001101010. (binary jokes.) The cool thing about this soup is it's cheap to make and most of the time (if you're like me) you'll have all of the ingredients just chilling in your fridge at any given moment. 


Prep: 15 minutes            Cook Time:  2 Hours            Total Time: Under 3 Hours   

Difficulty: Apprentice      Calories: One million, but winter is coming kids. BULK UP.

Makes about 6 servings of soup. 

  • BEER! 3 bottles (one to drink, two to cook) I love summit EPA in mine. However I suggest starting with something like Rolling Rock if you're not a fan of intense beer. An ale is the best thing to use. 
  • Jalapenos (1 or 2 to taste) these are optional I GUESS, if you're a pansy. 
  • A medium sized chopped yellow or white onion
  • 4 cups of chicken broth
  • 2 cups of water
  • 3 tablespoons of Corn Starch
  • 1 tablespoon of paprika
  • 1 teaspoon of salt
  • 3 cloves of minced garlic
  • 1 teaspoon of ground mustard
  • 1/2 teaspoon of ground cayenne pepper 
  • half and half
  • Shredded sharp cheddar cheese
  • Velveeta or Clancy's cheese melt 
  • A bag of microwave popcorn 
  • Green Onions
  • 3 tablespoons of butter
  • Dash of hot sauce
  • A Dash of Worcestershire sauce
1.  Make sure you are using room temp beer to cook with. So take it out of the fridge now and by the time you need to add it; it should be displeasing to drink and pleasing to cook with. Feel free to drink beer while you cook. THIS IS AMERICA!

2.  Combine the onion with the paprika, salt, ground mustard and butter in a large soup pot. Cook at medium heat. Wait for the onions to become slightly translucent. While you're waiting dice a jalapeno. I always taste mine to see how spicy they are. Leave the seeds if you are a champion. mince the garlic as well. 

3.  Add 1/2 tablespoon of corn starch to the onions and stir them until the cornstarch is covering them. SLOWLY mix in the chicken broth. If you do this too quickly you will end up with clumps of cornstarch in your soup. BLeCH.  Add a cup of water. Bring it to a low boil. 

4.  Throw the diced Jalapeno in the pot along with the minced garlic. Turn the heat down and let this simmer for about ten minutes. Take your half and half out of the fridge. 

5.  TIME TO ADD BEER! Don't get too excited about this step and dump it in the pot. You will cause a foamy boil over. Pour the room temp beer in slowly and stir while you're pouring. Bring back to a steady simmer and stir often. If you do not stir often it will look like a seven year old made a volcano for a science fair on your stove top. As soon as the foam stops forming turn down the heat a bit and simmer the soup for a half hour. If you taste it at this point in the process, it will taste like beer. Wait until the alcohol cooks off. 

6.  By now the jalapenos will be darker in color. Taste the soup. It should be a bit spicy, salty, tart and developing into a rich yellow color. This is when I usually add another diced jalapeno if needed. Add another half of a beer (if it's not tasting too bitter). Add a few shakes of hot sauce and a shake of Worcestershire sauce. Cook for another 20 minutes. 

7.  Pop that popcorn! Set the bag aside. 

8.  Time to add half and half! Make sure it is no longer cold.  Reduce the heat of the soup all the way to low. You don't want any simmering at all.  Whisk 1/4 cup of half and half together with the remaining 2 tablespoons of corn starch. Set aside. Slowly mix in about a cup of half and half into the soup. Turn up heat to between low and medium and cook for another 15 minutes. 

9.  Re-whisk half and half/corn starch mix and slowly stir it into the pot. Soup will now thicken! When it's around the consistency of thin gravy move onto the next step. 
10.  Turn heat to low. Chop up about 1/2 cup of Velveeta type product (I use Clancy's cheese melt from Aldi) into small 1" cubes. Add them to the pot and slowly sir it together. Add 1 cup of shredded cheddar after cheese cubes are all melted. 

11.  After all the cheese is melted, you are ready to EAT! Garnish with green onions, popcorn, and minced Jalapenos! 
So I thought I might share with all of you the FASTEST, EASIEST, SAFEST, and LEAST TEAR JERKY-IST way to cut an onion. 
1.  Start with a super sharp knife. Cut one of the butt ends off of the onion.
2.  Chop the onion in half and peel away the outer skin on both sides.
3.  Lay the half flat on your cutting board and cut 2-3 cuts length wise NOT GOING ALL THE WAY TO THE BUTT.
4. Cut 7-8 slices all the way to the bottom of the onion across the top, but again not all of the way to the butt. 
5. Chop the onion!  Discard the butt or salvage the remaining onion. 
Pretty easy right? Bet you barely cried at all? Maybe? YOU'RE NOW AN ONION NINJA!   Practice makes perfect. 
I'm taking requests for your favorite beer foods now. 
 Email me at:  b0tbites@gmail.com or comment below. NEW BEER BITES ALL MONTH LONG! I Can't wait to drink and eat.

I will try to post more than once a week. We all know I have a stupid full time job. At times when I get off work I want to just drink the beer instead of cook with it. If that happens, no one should allow me to use sharp objects.